one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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