did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
