haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?