there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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