My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
