Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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