I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
