my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You pole danced in your parka.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
