I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
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I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
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Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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