The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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