If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
