Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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