he was CRYING into my vagina
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
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Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
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Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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