I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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