I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
