Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
