??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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