I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
