You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
