i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
