I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
