I accidentally had phone sex last night
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
