If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Randomize
