You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
