I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
