She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
