She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Four minutes until I can fart!
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
