I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
