oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
