There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
