I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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