That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
