Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize
