Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
