Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
