Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
