got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
