2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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