Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
