she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
