I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
