There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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