This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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