i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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