I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
