Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
