sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
