Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
