Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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