you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.