I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
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you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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