Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times