I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
