I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
