how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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